‘A mix of guilt and fear’

To be read in conjunction with ‘First betrayal…and revenge‘…

The only reason I come to the half-open window in the first place is because the wind is swooping through it with unseasonable force for this time of year, and when I catch sight of you next to the car, I freeze. A familiar, nauseating mix of guilt and fear envelopes my heart and a constellation of memories flits through my mind – embraces that have lost their warmth, your earnest protestations that everything will be just fine, a long-sought-for spark as her lips meet mine for the first time. The world quietens and slows for just a moment, as you raise a lit match – and then it speeds up again with a terrifying clarity. As you flick the match and I scream, anger enveloping fear, I realise that I have known from the very beginning what you are capable of.  Continue reading

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‘First betrayal – and revenge…’

As I strike the match, it makes a soft hissing sound, a bit like she made when she caught sight of me in your doorframe, home a day early to surprise you. I watch the flame sputter and flicker against the howling wind for a few seconds and realise I cannot remember what happened between that moment and now – rage has rendered me amnesic. But as I give the match a casual flick towards the rainbow-tinted moat surrounding your precious ‘wheels’, I know I will remember the satisfying sound of your scream from the upstairs window forever.
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