‘A mix of guilt and fear’

To be read in conjunction with ‘First betrayal…and revenge‘…

The only reason I come to the half-open window in the first place is because the wind is swooping through it with unseasonable force for this time of year, and when I catch sight of you next to the car, I freeze. A familiar, nauseating mix of guilt and fear envelopes my heart and a constellation of memories flits through my mind – embraces that have lost their warmth, your earnest protestations that everything will be just fine, a long-sought-for spark as her lips meet mine for the first time. The world quietens and slows for just a moment, as you raise a lit match – and then it speeds up again with a terrifying clarity. As you flick the match and I scream, anger enveloping fear, I realise that I have known from the very beginning what you are capable of.  Continue reading

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‘First Heartbreak’

When I read your words on the monitor, insultingly written in shorthand, for a split second my lungs seem to stop working and I’m drowning, gasping for air – and then the tears come, unbidden, unwanted, but they come all the same. I slide down the door onto my bedroom floor and my body becomes a barrier to others, for the moment, until the storm in my mind settles to a gentle, steady rain. Then I will accept the embrace of those who mean well and will assist in soothing the dull ache you have left in my bones. Continue reading