If we sit
If we run
We lose our way.
If we speak
We risk offence…
If we stay
We are oppressed.
If we love
Our hearts may break.
But if we love
Isn’t that a mistake?
Thanks for stopping by 🙂 Polite/constructive comments welcome as always 🙂
3 thoughts on “Poem draft: ‘Balance’”
I loved the interplay between the various oppositions in this poem. 😊 It was skilfully done. And I also really like the overall message you’re presenting – because you seem to be suggesting that it’s probably better to love too much than too little. (I’m definitely a member of Camp Lovealot, so that message strikes a chord with me! 😊)
The only thing that comes to my mind in terms of improvement is that although I agree with the sentiment of the last line, I feel like the rhythm of it is a little bit off compared to the rest of the poem. The previous lines flow very smoothly and are in harmony with one another. The last one seems a little jerky in comparison… On the other hand, that might not be a bad thing. The incongruity of the last line could be actually be deliberately jolting – it might reflect the “mistake” of loving too little by sounding like a mistake due to its displaced rhythm. If that effect is not deliberate, though, you might want to consider playing around with the words in the last line to see if you can get it to match the rhythm without losing its meaning. 😊
Overall, really enjoyed the poem and looking forward to reading more of your work 😊 The themes you’ve drawn on in this poem hint at a very articulate and interesting mind 😊
Yep, I am definitely on Camp Lovealot as well 🙂 This is how this post came about – I was a bit bored and contemplated how sitting around for too long is a bad thing, and then this poem happened 😀 Then the love thing just fitted so nicely at the end!
The rhythm is off, you’re absolutely right. It wasn’t before – the last line was originally smoother, and shorter. But something inside me was going ‘no, make it more jolty’ so I did and thought, as you’ve said, this is better as it sounds like a mistake! But then I read it the next day and thought argh was that the right thing to do?! So I couldn’t make up my mind! And so it’s still a ‘draft’…….I love poetry for this precise reason though as interpretations are endless…….
Also just so you know – remember how you said, half rhymes are ok and content matters more? And how usually I’m an all or nothing girl with rhyming? I broke my own rule after we spoke about that ‘Famous Stories’ post and then wrote this – so thanks 🙂
Oh my, an ‘articulate and interesting mind’! I don’t think I’ve ever been described as such! Means a lot and makes me feel even more excited to keep writing 🙂 Thanks 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to feedback 🙂 Much appreciated! x
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You are very welcome. It’s lovely to know that you’re excited about writing, and it’s so sweet that you broke your own rule after we spoke – life is all about experimenting, having fun and trying new things, after all! And it’s fine if this is still a draft – I’m really indecisive about my own work as well and it takes me 964277336,534763,474247,4753 drafts before I’m even vaguely happy with how my work looks. But I did enjoy this just as it is 😊 Looking forward to reading more 🙂
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